


two twins i can't tell apart

by silpium



Series: inktober 2019 [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Internalized Transphobia, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 11:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21409087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silpium/pseuds/silpium
Summary: [TW: INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA]Inevitably, Hinata’s exterior cracks.He stares in the mirror—from the cut of his face to the petiteness of his wrists to the boniness of his hips all the way down to the slenderness of his legs—and all he sees isgirl, girl, girl.
Series: inktober 2019 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1507019
Comments: 2
Kudos: 68





	two twins i can't tell apart

**Author's Note:**

> for inktober day #8, "frail."
> 
> please note this is an exploration of internalized transphobia and the mental health implications that come with that. please don't read if that will upset you!

Inevitably, Hinata’s exterior cracks.

He stares in the mirror—from the cut of his face to the petiteness of his wrists to the boniness of his hips all the way down to the slenderness of his legs—and all he sees is _girl_, _girl_, _girl_. 

His stomach churns.

/ * \

He’s known for a long time, longer than he can remember. Dealing with doubt is easier as years go by, but there are days when he wakes up and nothing is right—like trying to force a square into a circle-shaped hole. It doesn’t work and never will. Why would he even try to fool himself?

“He” is a poison then, a slap in the face. Of course Hinata isn’t a boy. That he’s tricked himself and everyone else into thinking he is—isn’t that terrible? Isn’t _he_ terrible? Because Hinata’s not a boy at all. Not at all, not at all, not at all. Just a silly girl with silly fantasies and dreams of being special and different that should’ve been discarded in childhood.

/ * \

Kindness hurts, sometimes. When his parents call him _Shouyou_ without fault, when the team stops making quips about his height and figure, when Kageyama snaps at anyone who makes even a vaguely rude comment about Hinata being trans.

Hinata is not worthy of it.

But at the same time, he craves it more than anything else. Through the ache in his chest, the way his heart squeezes so tight it might burst—Hinata starts wondering if he is naturally deserving of it after all.

/ * \

Inevitably, Hinata’s exterior rebuilds itself.

He looks in the mirror—from the cut of his face to the petiteness of his wrists to the boniness of his hips all the way down to the slenderness of his legs—and all he sees is _boy_, _boy_, _boy_.

There will come a point when, without falter, this will be every day, even if reaching that point will not be easy. 

Hinata wants to—will—live to realize it.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thanks to [luci](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferTM/pseuds/luciferTM) for betaing this for me! i would also like to thank [jake](https://twitter.com/mafuyusatos) and [toppy](https://twitter.com/crowcircus) for looking this over and ensuring that i accurately represented the transmasc experience. while i'm trans, i'm non-binary and feminine-presenting, and so i'm very grateful that they took the time to make sure i handled this respectfully!
> 
> please feel free to comment, concrit or otherwise, or reach out to me on [twitter @hhatsunetsu](https://twitter.com/hhatsunetsu)! thanks so much for reading and have a great day!


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